Saturday, December 20, 2008

Something More than a Blog

A blog is just a blog, but a rant is something more like a meal. Today's rant, ladies and gents, is this:

Weight loss.

We all try it. Some of us succeed (or some of them, I should say.) No one is ever satisfied. I have felt fat at every weight level I've ever been, from slim to obese.

It doesn't help that I have models built like rulers presenting every product I'll ever buy, or that the women playing the lead roles in all of Hollywood's top grossing films are size 2 or under. It definitely does not help that the Home Shopping Network sells a gillion ways to lose weight, all with a little pill, an herb, or a magic and easy exercise machine! I have a scale in my bathroom. The scale will read different weights all day long. I think I spend 15 minutes of my 20 minute morning routine stepping on and off that diabolical scale.

We've all heard of anorexia and bulimia…eating disorders. We cringe when someone brings it up, but we secretly think to ourselves "Hmm…I wonder if that'd work."

Today my Mom bought some weight loss pills. Yeah, those things that help you lose weight, but only if you couple them with diet and exercise. (Ignore the fact that diet and exercise does about the same.) It was her way of telling me I had a few kilos to shed. She's subtle like that.

People have different ways of telling you they think you're fat. There's "that shirt doesn't suit your figure," "Are you sure you should be eating that?," "You look plumper, my dear." The ever awkward slap on the rear coupled with "My, you've grown…" and the list goes on in a painfully awkward infinity.

Welly welly well, I think it's time to pass an edict on my personal weight loss. I think other men and women out there should pass similar laws of life. Here's mine for you to enjoy and emulate.

I DO SOLEMNLY RESOLVE TO MAKE WEIGHT LOSS ABOUT HEALTH.

I DO SOLEMNLY RESOLVE TO MAKE HEALTH ABOUT ME.

I DO SOLEMNLY RESOLVE TO MAKE ME A GODDESS.

If weight loss is for health reasons, and not for reasons of fashion or fitting in with the gals at the gym, my goals will be much more realistic. A healthy weight at my stature is circa 130 lbs. Weight loss goals of 115 lbs are no longer about health, but about…being the super slim Hollywood ideal. So, there. No more unrealistic goals! =D

If my health is about me then I will not make decisions that are healthy unless they make me happy. For example, maybe 2lbs of carrots a week would be healthy for me. Too bad I hate carrots AND the color orange. I can find alternatives that won't make me feel like a giant rabbit. Being happy is the most important part of my health!

And I'm a goddess, so all you haters out there can just worship my Holiness!